In the Manual for Teachers, in connection with the Plan of the Teachers, three levels of relationships for teaching and learning awakening lessons together are described: brief encounters; relationships sustained for a period of time and then moved on from; and lifelong relationships. A unique aspect of the Plan of the Teachers involving intimate sustained and lifelong relationships is called the “holy relationship” in the Course. The importance of the holy relationship in the awakening process is so great that the Course Text devotes several chapters to exploring it.
The Course indicates that the holy relationship was created by Spirit in response to a desperate attempt by the ego frame of mind to keep us estranged from our Source of Being. Namely, the ego led the split mind to ask the Divine for a thing It could never give: “specialness,” or the making of one member or aspect of the Divine Family different and “better” than another. When this request wasn’t responded to because it would have been in violation of the Divine’s Nature, the ego presented this as “proof” to the split mind that the Divine doesn’t care about us, and therefore that the Divine was the cause of this world and all the sorrow in it. Because, the ego counseled, if the Divine did care about us, it wouldn’t hesitate to offer us the specialness we requested and believe that we so desperately need in order to survive in this hostile world.
“Those who have preferred specialness to Sanity could not have sought for specialness when in their right mind. Everyone was at peace until some asked for special favor to set them apart from their sisters and brothers, which the Divine could not give. For the request was outside of the Nature of the Divine, and could not have been asked of the Creator, Who truly and equally loves Its Children. Therefore, in the minds of those who made it, this request seemed to make of the Divine an unloving creator, demanding of It what only an unloving creator could give. And in this request the Peace of the Divine’s Children who wanted specialness was shattered, for they no longer understood their Creator. They feared the unloving image of a creator they had made, but still more did they fear their true Creator, having attacked their glorious Equality with It.”
“Specialness is the function that you gave yourself. It stands for you alone, as self-created, self-maintained, in need of nothing, and unjoined with anything beyond the body. In its eyes you are a separate universe, with all the power to hold itself complete within itself, with every entry shut against intrusion, and every window barred against the Light. Always attacked and always furious, with anger always fully justified, you have pursued this goal of specialness with vigilance you never thought to yield, and effort that you never thought to cease. And all this grim determination was for this: you wanted specialness to be the Truth.”
Thus, specialness is seen to be another aspect of the separation. When the Divine didn’t respond to our request for specialness, the ego then made its own version or form of specialness that it invited us to seek: a “special relationship” with a special person who we believe will be able to give us all the specialness we deserve. We believe that we seek love in the ego’s “gift” of an exclusive special relationship with this special person, but since real Love must love all Children of the Divine equally and inclusively, the special “love” relationship we seek is actually a special “hate” relationship.
“In a sense, the special relationship was the ego’s response to the creation of the Holy Spirit, Who was the Divine’s Answer to the separation. For although the ego did not understand what had been created [in Spirit’s creation], it was aware of what it perceived as a threat. The entire defense system that the ego evolved to protect the separation from the Holy Spirit was in response to the Gift with which the Divine blessed the world, and by Its Blessing enabled it to be healed.”
“It is in the special relationship, born of the hidden wish for special love from the Divine, that the ego’s hatred seems to triumph. For the special relationship is the renunciation of the Love of the Divine, and the attempt to secure for the split self the specialness that the Divine denied. And it is essential to the preservation of the ego that you believe this specialness is not perceived as hell, but heaven. For the ego would never have you see that the separation can only be loss, being the one condition in which Heaven cannot be.”
The ego’s hidden purpose for the special relationship is to try to make separation real, which is impossible. The ego’s goal of separation in the context of the special relationship is for one physical body – the symbol of separation – to find union with another physical body. Like the idea of specialness itself, this goal also can never be achieved, because two bodies united in the same space is meaningless. Only minds, hearts, and wills can unite as one; bodies never can. With the union of bodies as the goal of the special relationship, and knowing this goal can’t be achieved, the ego devises the special relationship to be merely a perpetual time sink that keeps us stuck in the world of illusions and which therefore perpetuates the ego’s existence indefinitely.
But while each special relationship always fails to give us what it promises, i.e., love and union, we continue to believe that if we can just find the “right” special person who can give us the special love we feel we need and deserve, then our struggles will disappear, or at least that we’ll be better able to deal with them. When the concealed antipathy or “hate” that underlies all special relationships begins to appear in the relationship, and we realize that the relationship will not deliver the special love it promised and that we seek, we discard it and begin the search for the next special relationship, or miserably stay in the special relationship we’re in, though emotionally and spiritually distant.
“Hatred can enter, and indeed is welcome in some aspects of the (special) relationship, but it is still held together by the illusion of love. If the illusion of love goes away, the relationship is broken or becomes unsatisfying, on the grounds of disillusionment. Love is not an illusion; it is a fact. Where disillusionment is possible there was not Love, but hate. For hate is an illusion, and what can change was never Love.
“It is certain that those who select certain ones as partners in any aspect of living, and use them for any purpose that they would not share with others, are trying to live with guilt rather than be destroyed by it, which are the only choices they perceive. And love to them is only an escape from death. They seek escape desperately, but not in the Peace in which it would gladly come quietly to them.” “The closer you look at the special relationship, the more apparent it becomes that it must foster guilt, and therefore must imprison.”
“Very simply, the attempt to make guilty is always directed against the Divine. For the ego would have you believe that the Divine, and It alone, is guilty, leaving the Divine Family open to attack, and unprotected against it. The special love relationship is the ego’s chief weapon for keeping you from Heaven. It does not appear to be a weapon, but if you consider how you value it, and why, you will realize what it must be. The special love relationship is the ego’s most boasted gift, and the one that has the most appeal to those unwilling to relinquish guilt. The ‘dynamics’ of the ego are clearest here, for, counting on the attraction of this offering, the fantasies that center around it are often quite open. Here they are usually judged to be quite socially acceptable, and even natural. Few consider it bizarre to love and hate together, and even those who believe that hate is ‘sin’ merely feel guilty in the special relationship, but do not correct it.”
“The special relationship, which is the ego’s chief defense, must therefore be insane. You have only a little difficulty now in realizing that the thought system it protects is merely a system of delusions. You recognize, at least in general terms, that the ego is insane. But the special relationship still seems to you somehow to be different. Yet we have [in the Text] considered it far closer than many other aspects of the ego’s thought system that you have been more willing to let go. However, while this one aspect remains you will not let the others go. For this one is not different. Retain this one, and you have retained the rest.”
“You will go through this last undoing [of the special relationship] quite unharmed, and will emerge as yourself. This is the last step in the readiness for the Divine. Be willing now that you are so near, and you will cross the Bridge [into Heaven] with perfect Safety, translated quietly from war to Peace. For the illusion of love will never satisfy you. But Love’s Reality, which awaits you on the other side, will give you Everything. . . .
“The special love relationship is an attempt to limit the destructive effects of hate by finding a haven in the storm of guilt. It makes no attempt to rise above the storm, into the sunlight. On the contrary, it emphasizes guilt outside the haven by attempting to build barricades against it, and keep within them. The special love relationship is not perceived as of value in itself, but as a place of safety from which hatred is split off and kept apart. The special love partner is acceptable only as long as they serve this purpose.”
Because of the power of this illusion of “special” love, the Holy Spirit has taken the special relationship and transformed it into the “holy relationship,” an intimate sustained or lifelong relationship that truly blesses each partner in it through leading to awakening. The holy relationship is created when those in a special relationship allow the purpose of the relationship to be changed by the Holy Spirit from one of separation through the attempted union of bodies, to one of Truth, the union of minds, hearts and wills through seeing beyond all mistakes of the partner, and the goal of awakening. Through this process each partner in the holy relationship becomes the “awakener” of the real world for the other partner, and each becomes the representative of Love to the other for all members of the Divine Family. This change doesn’t mean that the holy relationship is one of celibacy. It simply means that the purpose of the relationship isn’t the perpetuation of separation through the belief in the union of bodies.
“Forgive the Holy One the specialness It could not give, and so you made instead. The special ones are all asleep, surrounded by a world of Loveliness they do not see. Freedom and Peace and Joy stand there beside the bier on which they sleep, and call them to come forth and awaken from their dream of death. Yet they hear nothing. They are lost in dreams of specialness. They hate the Call that would awaken them. And they curse the Divine because It did not make their dream reality. Curse the Divine and die as you will, but not by It Who made not death, but only in the dream. Open your eyes a little and see the awakener that the Divine gave to you in the holy relationship, that you might behold this brother or sister and give them back their birthright.”
“Forgiveness is the only function meaningful in time. It is the Means the Holy Spirit uses to translate specialness from the belief in separation into the promise of awakening. . . . From the very instant that the choice to awaken was made by Its Children, the Divine appointed the specialness they chose to hurt themselves to be the means for their awakening. Their special ‘sin’ was made their Gift of Grace. Their special ‘hate’ became their Gift of Love.”
“In a holy relationship there is no guilt. The form of error is no longer perceived and cherished. And reason, joined with Love, quietly beholds all confusion, observing merely, ‘This was a mistake.’ And then the same Atonement you accepted in your relationship corrects the error, and lays a Part of Heaven in its place. How blessed are you, who let this gift be given!”
“This holy relationship, lovely in its Innocence, mighty in Strength, and blazing with a Light far brighter than the sun that lights the sky you perceive, is chosen of your Creator as Means for Its Own Plan. Be thankful that it serves yours not at all. Everything entrusted to this Plan will be used, and used rightly. This holy relationship has the power to heal all pain, regardless of its form. Neither of you alone can serve at all, for neither of you is alone. Only in your joined will does healing reside. For here your healing is, and here will you accept Atonement. And in your healing is the Divine Family healed, because your wills are joined.
“Think what a holy relationship can teach! Here is belief in differences undone. Here is the faith in differences shifted to the faith in Oneness. And true reason now can lead you to the logical conclusion of your union. Your union must extend, as you extended when you joined together. It must reach out beyond Itself, as you reached out beyond the body to let yourselves be joined. And now the Oneness that you see extends, and finally removes all sense of differences, so that the Unity that is within them all becomes apparent. Here is the Golden Circle, where you recognize the Children of the Divine. For what is born into a holy relationship can never end.”
“Some attempt to follow a very long road to the goal of awakening they have accepted. It is extremely difficult to reach Atonement by fighting against the belief in unholiness and unworthiness—the belief in ‘sin.’ Enormous effort is expended in the attempt to make holy what is despised and rejected because of its believed unholy or ‘sinful’ nature. Nor are long periods of meditation aimed at detachment from the body or a lifetime of contemplation necessary. All such attempts will ultimately succeed because of their Purpose. But the means are tedious and very time-consuming, for all of them look to the future for release from a perceived state of present unworthiness and inadequacy.
“The Way this Course offers toward the same goal of Freedom will be different, not in purpose, but in means. A holy relationship is a means of saving time. One Holy Instant experienced together restores the Universe to both of you. You are prepared. Now you need only remember that you need do nothing. It would be far more profitable now merely to concentrate on this, than to consider what you should do.
“When Peace comes at last to those who wrestle with temptation, and fight against giving in to sin; when the Light comes at last into the mind given to contemplation and meditation; or when the goal is finally achieved by anyone, it always comes with just one happy Realization: ‘I need do nothing.’ Here is the ultimate Release that everyone will one day find in their own way, at their own time. Yet time is not needed. Time has been saved for you, because you are together. Your holy relationship is the means this Course uses to save you time.
“You would therefore not be making best use of this Course if you insist on using means that have served others well in the past, neglecting what was made for you now. Save time for me [Jesus] by only this one preparation, and practice doing nothing else. ‘I need do nothing’ is a statement of allegiance, a truly undivided loyalty. Believe it for just one Instant, and you will accomplish more than is given to a century of struggle against temptation or of contemplation.”
“Everyone wants to know their own true Identity. Everyone would happily exchange their doubts for certainty if they just knew how. Each would willingly be free of misery, and learn again of Joy. Your holy relationship offers all this to you.”